How did I find myself at the same place I was at last year…..?
I know sis. I need help. Clearly, I should have learned my lesson last year after I attempted to be open with another male human being. But here I am. New dude and another reason to bust the windows out his car. Ok, ok. Let me explain.
So last year’s theme for me was to get my savage up. Which I was. I PROMISE. I’d finally devised a plan that will actually help me reach some major milestones in my career (more on that later!). I was actually living it out. I got a client that I was able to travel with and do some amazing work for women entrepreneurs. I was really doing my thing y’all. All that was missing was a bae (I know we are probably tired of this word but it fits the story so rock with me, ok?).
I always read those memes that encourages us single gals to stay away from our exes cause they ain’t shit. I would silently throw a fist in the air as screenshot all of them. But out of nowhere I found myself reconnecting with my ex. It happened so quick and fast that before I could even think it out thoroughly, I found myself going down one of those Alice in Wonderland tunnels that I could not get out of.
Now my ex and I have known each other for over 10 years. We’ve basically watched each other grow up from a distance. We had one of those relationships where we dated briefly but always remained cool while questioning if it was our right time to be more than what we were. No drama. We were amazing friends. We would occasionally pop up in each other’s life to check in. But not in a “hey big head/hey stranger” kind of way. (Commercial break: We all have those weirdos in our inbox and I cringe every time I get those messages.) But him and I? It was super organic.
Although we were cool, I always told my ex he was the hold up of us getting serious. He would always tell me in due time we would have our moment. “I’ll hang up this life (THUG LIFE) and you and I will be married, far away from where we are now, counting money for breakfast”, he’d often say. He was very much 50 Cent in his “Get Rich or Die Tryin’ ” days. And let me tell you: HONEY!!!! He had me. It’s different when you grow up with someone versus meeting them at a bar or club. You truly see how a person reacts to what life throws at them. While I went through my academic journey he was doing….who knows honestly. I never questioned his lifestyle. I just always wanted to make sure HE was ok. Mentally and spiritually. But of course you know when your life long lover is in the streets. Its the way they carry themselves. I never judged and I never will. You just have to pray and keep it moving.
So as life would have it. We found ourselves once again “checking in on each other” within the past months. But this time he seemed different. His conversation. His character. Seemed to be a chilled, mature version that was ready to pay up on all his “we’re gonna be great” talk he’d delivered so many times before. We stayed on the phone for hours texting and talking. Planning and plotting. He told me that the way he always lived his life needed to change and that he realized what matter most in life. Now y’all, by this time I was cartwheeling in my head and my heart. As a single women we get soooooo many promises about what someone will and can do. How many times has a dude told you that he wanted to be the one for you only for him to renig or go back on EVERYTHING that’s ever come out of his mouth? To add insult to injury you’ll find that most of them will deny ever making said promises. It’s foolish. And we, single women, are tired of the bullshit. If you say you will bring something bring it. I’m digressing though.
So Thug Bae gives me the most elaborate PowerPoint presentation (not literally, figuratively speaking). Of how he was the one and The Last man (his words not mine) I’d ever be with. He’d finally figured out the equation to life and I was included in it. Now, I will say that I think he was in love with who I was in prior years. The woman I am today is very opinionated, strong willed, blunt in any conversation, take no shit, no patience, lack of emotion (blame it on the savage) type of person. I’m still nice, caring, compassionate, loving, silly and goofy, but what I was willing to put up with then I no longer care to do so now. I got some standards!
A lot people don’t like my growth. I feel them. But this is me and I am proud of the woman I am growing into. And I shouldn’t have to feel bad or dumb down who I am to make another fuck boy comfortable or “more of a man” (insert eye roll). I gave him a challenge. Not to say I was impossible to love or be with. I was always there to support him in any way I could. But if I didn’t agree with something he said or did. I said something. Now, was the delivery wrong at times? Perhaps. But I will never apologize for what I believe in.
I thought by now we would be supporting each other. Pushing each other to reach our goals. He said he wanted to get married. But by the time I decided to call him out on it, he was more than satisfied with me having his child and living in his house. It’s cool to be baby mama number two, living somewhere where I am not on the lease, but it is not okay for me to tell you I want more? I deserve more. I AM MORE. See where I’m going with this sis? So yes I am currently contemplating pouring myself another shot of Remy and cussing him out. Y’all may say it’s petty even unnecessary, but I’m tired of the good girls getting fucked over.
It’s ok for a guy to have a type, and want a woman to cook, clean, wear a thong, shave everyday, wear makeup, get her hair done, smell nice, workout, have two jobs, come home do all the laundry, ice skate into the bedroom and be a porn star. But the only thing I ask for is commitment and the phone calls stop. I’ve been on this train before. And lucky for me from past fuck boy situations I know when I need to jump off before shit gets too deep and I end up going to Thug Bae’s house and ending his life for attempting to waste my time. I’ve watched plenty of episodes of Snapped and I know how to hide a body (lol).
The point of my rant is this: We’re not perfect. I don’t hate Thug Bae, but I definitely wish we would stop giving excuses to men who don’t deserve it. Plenty of my friends told me I pushed him away and I should of taken up the offer to carry his seed and be his roommate. If this is all we have to look forward too then clearly ladies we truly have a problem on our hands. But I just can’t settle. Maybe some of you may feel secure with what he offered (or lack thereof), but to me it’s crap. So Thug Bae if you are reading this, you are too fine and too intelligent to think that I am the type of chick that would not fight for what’s mine. I’m no lamb. Maybe that’s what you need. Because I am telling you that’s not me.